🔗 Share this article

Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve always believed that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my personal and work life. It annoys my close ones and colleagues, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that therapy might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just problem-solving. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to consider and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more beneficial. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and worry.

Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking accountability.

This approach will take persistence, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.